Shake it Off

I find it kind of odd that anytime I'm in my car and press the scan button on my stereo it usually always lands on the "god" station. I just press the button and it goes there. I'm usually zoning out and it's just background noise, but when I realize I have been on the same station and it has some annoying band, singing about how "he" is the best, and how "he" can't live without "him", I snap out of it. I look down knowingly what station it is, and when I see, it drives me crazy and I change it quickly.
What the fuck? Is this a sign? Should I convert into the Good Lord above, and have him forgive my "sins"? I mean, I'm not sure I believe in the whole "god" and "bible" thing. However, I do believe in a higher person/place and/or thing, but the god station is freakin me out a little. maybe not freakin me out, just kind of annoying. I mean, why is that on the radio? Who listens to that? Really? I guess the only solution is to listen to my pod or just plain old CD's.
I had a conversation with a close friend of mine the other day. She was telling me that it is "ok" to mourn the one we love. And, it's ok to have the feelings that I do. I agreed. But, I didn't really give it much thought. Until later. When I had time to think. Which I have alot of that. Between driving long distance and the lack of sleep I have had for the past month.
She's right. I'm just going to be honest here. I don't really care who reads this or what they think. "I told ya so" or "duh" or "you did this, you wanted this". I don't care. I'm going to be honest with myself and everyone that is included.
I do miss that person. It is sad. It's like, a little bit of a weight lifted. But, at the same time. Fuck, shitty. What the fuck? And, how the crap am I going to do this? Leaving someone you love is almost as bad as them dying. Except, dying, you know you'll never see them again, or ever hear them. When someone dies, everyone tells you how sorry they are, and if theres anything they could do to let them know. And, they say stuff like, i feel bad for her/him. Think about it. That's what everyone says to you when you break up.
I am very lucky to have close friends, and friends that do care. This past week I have counted on my friends and their words of wisdom. Believe it or not, we have all been there. And it's the pits.
You know when you say stuff to yourself to help the situation and how you try to blame it on the other, I hate that. I understand fully, that it's neither me or the other party, it's both. And, no one is wrong or right. Just agree to disagree. Why is that so hard. Why is it that humans can figure out the human body, but as humans we can not communicate and make a clean break. It's never that easy. It's not like you can just say, "hey, I don't think this is working, I love you as a person and care deeply for you, and would like to still be friends." Right! I have yet to have a clean break. From boy or friends. And the worst part about it, is that most people say all that, and try to be "friends" but, for some reason, no matter how early or later on after the break-up you can't. You can't have a conversation with someone without bringing other shit up. So, what... I'm just supposed to find some "spotless mind" trick, and forget about everything?
I remember I met this girl a while ago. She told me her boyfriend died, and that's why she was no longer with him. I felt so bad for her. As the night went on, I had found out that he really didn't die. She made that up to help herself get over him. I thought it was crazy. I would NEVER do that. Not even think about it. If I did, I would cry like crazy! What a horrible thing to think.
So, here I am, Mourning the one I loved. Not because he is dead, but, because we have decided to take our own paths in life. Sometimes, I think about the two:
Breakups vs. Death*
You miss them
You cry
You think about them all the time
Wonder what they're doing/ Where they're at (afterlife: death and afterlife of breakups)
Smells
Pictures
My friend was right. Mourning a relationship. That's what I'm in. I got the Relationship Mourning Blues.
I ask myself if it will ever be right again. Or will I constantly be feeling a little tiny piece of Jodie is missing? Well, I guess it will. If I think about it, it will. Just like when friends leave you, or a family member, or a little pet. When they leave, they take a peice of you with them, and you do the same in return when you leave. That's what mourning feelings are.
I'm not really sure on how we get through stuff like this. I mean, most people have several relationships before they find the "one". How could you/me have enough to go around. As much as you put into one, and then go, it's like 5 times more taken away, then what you put in.
Why is that as people, we must drag things out...? just sitting and thinking. i guess maybe it's just me. We, as in I, try to occupy my mind with other thoughts and activities. Try to.
When I mention my feelings, I'm made to feel like "it's what I wanted".
No, I didn't want this feeling of.... this. This whole thing. The feelings of being mad, bitter, sad, happy, unhappy, crazy, feelings of wanting to punch someone. No, I didn't want or ask for that.
And then, I came to realize.
Remember when you would fall when you were little, and your parents would tell you that you were ok, and not to cry, and try to make you feel like it's not that bad, so you won't cry, and then maybe they would say "shake it off".
Shake it off.
"mourn my break-up" and "shake it off"
I will try to never forget, regret, and/or hate. I will mourn it, just like I would mourn a loved one, and then I will shake it off. That said, doesn't mean the thoughts will never go away, maybe just go to the back of my mind, until we meet again.
"failure isn't failure, if there is a lesson learned"
I think.

it's 4pm. it could get worse...

I woke up this morning. Not in the best of moods. Fighting with myself and others, just trying to get some sleep. I can't. No sleep. Up early, no going back to sleep. Drink some coffee, and I sit and think. I try to clear my mind of craziness. But, I can't. I really can't get over the fact that A: I'm up so early, B: it's loud outside, C: fighting, D: it's still loud, with LOTS of sirens. What in the world is going on outside. I actually thought that a loved one had been in an accident because they had just stormed out of the door. But, no, not at all. Thankfully.

I look across where the lights and sounds are coming from. It hit me. We had a jumper on our hands. I instantly said out loud, "no, no way, not today." I was wrong. It was sick the way I just watched. I couldn't turn away even though my mind was crying, my eyes started as well. Not because I knew this person. But, here I am fighting about stupid things and acting as if everything in my life is shattering like a mirror that just dropped off your bathroom counter. Great, bad luck! Here I am with another 7 years of bad luck.

This person that decided to take their life, had some bad luck. What goes through the mind of someone so sad/angry? Do they think of their family, friends, and/or others around their actions? I guess once you get that far, that high, you have no choice. No chance to reflect on your life, no chance to ask yourself if this is really the best idea.

It makes me sad. So sad, that I called my mom. She knew right away something was wrong. Calling so early, and the sound of my voice. I instantly cried, harder, when I heard her voice. I told her what had happened. She gave me a talk, a talk about life, and where I live, and how I might have to just except that this is what people do to take care of their problems. I told her I loved her and to have a nice day. I don't know who could have a nice day after that. But, I'm sure she will. Knowing her daughter is so sensitive and knows no matter how bad things could get, her mom is always there for her. I'm sure she hung up the phone and was happy to hear her daughters voice and not a police officer to tell her that her child had taken their life. I'm pretty sure she was happy to know that, she would not have to identify a cold, beat up, sad looking sack of body parts, that once looked so beautiful that came from her, now looks nothing like anything.
I am sad, I am sad that someone out there has to go through all that. I feel as though I am a little lucky.

I take my mind off that, and back to my life. I just wanted to go for a ride. I take the dog out. Vinny loves the car. He likes to sit up and put his face out of the window. He is so cute. I love him. I guess Vinny was having a bad morning as well. He threw up. All over my car, and pissed. I felt so bad for him. Puking is not my favorite. And his sad little face he gave me. I cried. I just held him, and told him it would be ok. I tried to not get upset that I had to pick up chunks of doggie food between my seat. Once again, I am happy to touch chewed up barf rather than splattered sad body.

So, we cleaned up our mess. I came home and put him in bed. He is resting. He is still the cutest thing ever. Sick and all. He started to drink some water, and eat a little. I think he is feeling better. Maybe he was overwhelmed with how the morning started out.

I don't ever want to start like that again. I won't. I will not put myself through that, nor my cute little Vinny. We deserve much better.

I have to work today. Like my title, it's only 4pm, it could get worse. Well, I will say a little prayer, to whoever it is, that might be watching me. Hopefully I will be ok, and this night will just turn around and get better. I will be positive. It will get better. Then again, I do get to work with people I enjoy. And, the money is not so bad.

Thank Goodness It's Friday.

here I am

hello to all and welcome to my page dedicated to, yours truly, ME!
I was currently on Myspace, but after so long, I got a bit annoyed with it. I just want a place where I can express my views, joys, sorrows, frustrations, and anything else that comes to mind. I don't want to be judged. I don't want people writing to me telling me how "hot" I am. Even though it's very nice, but, I am a person, not this hot little cupcake to just be stared at.

So, basically, this is "all about me." My rants or what have you. And sometimes, they won't even be rants, maybe some raves. I just want to express myself. I love to write too. So, you might be those people that have to deal with my writings and carry-ons. If that's ok with you, if not, well i guess you don't have to come on here and check on me. I mean, I'll be ok with out you. That's why I'm leaving Myspace. You don't have to leave me a comment, you don't have to look at my profile and be bored, and ask yourself why I do the things I do.

Ok, so, I guess that was my first "blog", not so bad, it went pretty well, I think.
So, thanks again for coming to visit. I'm sure you'll hear from me soon. Take care now, and enjoy your afternoon, evening, morning, night, or whatever.